There is an episode of M*A*S*H where the psychiatrist, Sydney Freidman, is analyzing the character, Hawkeye. For those of you that know M*A*S*H, you will understand a little more. For those who don't, just bear with me. The psychiatrist says that "anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned sideways, is Hawkeye."
You may have noticed that I have not posted in a while. I finally realized why. June 3 we celebrated Hunter's 11th birthday at his house. Mike was not there. I was angry. There was a turtle that did not make it across the road. I was angry. Thers is another idiot being pain millions of dollars for pouty lips and so-called talent. I am angry. I have to go to work and hold in all my emotions to take care of people, just to have my days off ruined because that is when I have to deal with my emotions. That makes me angry. I am angry. That makes me angrier. Anger is not an easy emotion to express and not hurt someone or something or to come out smelling like a rose.

Mike dealt with a lot during his life. He was passionate about a lot more than most people know. A lot of things angered him. But he was rarely depressed or sad, even when dealing with ongoing illnesses. He was rebellious, rouge, and somewhat of a maverick at times. He turned his anger sideways. I, on the other hand, turn my anger inward. I have allowed no outlet.

If you will recall, a lot of the things Hawkeye did was rebellious against everything the Army tried to make him do. Most of the time his rebellion helped someone or at least taught him a valuable lesson. I am not suggesting that we or I go out and rebel against the world and all its brokenness. But I do think it is ok to go against the grain, sometimes, to keep from going crazy. I think that is also what Jesus obediently did :)

Mike liked to get sideways. He did not like to get angry. He was too busy enjoying life to do that.
I, on the other hand, am angry. I don't like to get sideways because then I think I am not in control. But as I write this, I realize I am not in control...the anger is. It is defining me right now. It is depressing me. Mike would tell me I need to get over myself. Hawkeye would pull a prank or expose some awful truth, even if it had a not-so-happy ending.

I like Hawkeye's character a lot. He is a lot like I would like to be, sometimes. But he is just a character. Mike, on the other hand, IS my brother and always will be. I don't want to be angry and depressed. I want to get a little bit sideways.