Reflections

So, after 2 months, I was finally able to view the picture video created to play during Mike's visitation in April. Needless to say, I shed a lot of tears. I have always had a difficult time with photos. Even throughout my wonderful travels, I have been unable and uncommitted to taking numerous pictures. I recently came to the conclusion that pictures do not do memories justice. There is just no way to re-create the real thing on a flat piece of paper.

One day, also recently, I saw my face in the mirror. A new face. A different face. One I have not been familiar with. One with the shadow of my brother. One that can't get passed the nose on the end of my own face long enough to see the blessings I have been missing. I have only seen lost, sad, and hurt.

Dad was born at Duke Hospital in 1945. He was given the name "Baby Ronald" by the staff, as he was put up for adoption. Later, when he was adopted, he was named Michael Ronald Watson.
My brother is Michael Ronald Watson, Jr. My name is Rhonda Michelle Watson Wright. Mike and I were both named for our Dad. As I have seen my reflection in the mirror, not for vanity mind you, I have seen the face of generations, memories and the real thing. I am part of my brother, my family. I am the past, present, and future. I want Mike to be in our present but all I have seen in the mirror is the lack of his presence in my life. My face is sad and downtrodden. I have missed the blessing of how much of a part of my life he really is. He is my brother...my brother! What a bond! He is a God-given gift! I have missed so much of that over the past 2 months simply by not sharing his memories. Don't misread me...these memories are painful because they are not remotely as good as the real thing. But they are what I have. I have part of him.
I see him in Mom, in Dad, in Hunter, and even Laura. They say the longer a couple is together the more alike they look. Maybe it's just that they look so much like the two have become one as God intended. I don't fully understand His plan because now Laura does not have Mike, nor do we. Can you tell I am confused, hurt, broken, searching?
Fortunately, each day brings new answers and reassurance, though one day is not always better than the one before.
It is so complicated yet so simple.
I hope as I look in the mirror, I see God's grace for each day and His blessing to remember and relish in my brother's memory and life. As I look in the mirror each day, I hope to see the pilgrimage, not the pain, though one does not seem possible without the other. I hope I see who I am becoming, not who I was. I want to see Mike. I want to see the face lift given by a spirit-filled life.
Lord, hear me. Help me. Bless all who take the time to read this and reflect on Mike and our family. Bless their own families' and needs. You know their hurts, their praise, their desires. Lord, use these words to help them reflect on you as they look in the mirror. Use Mike's life through us, as a ministry to those that need to hear these words from the real, broken-hearted, loving, questioning, hurt and frustrated Christians. Lord, even if they do not know you, speak to their hearts. This is my prayer. This is the godly reflection I want.
Love,
Rhonda