In the coming weeks, I will be posting what some of us read at Mike's memorial celebration. I have, personally, wanted to reflect on those and give others the same opportunity. In the meantime, it seems we each are dealing with our ups and downs. Thankfully, not all at the same time.
If any of you have stories you would like to share, please feel free to post them here, or email them to me. We need to reflect as we move on.
I have been told by so many who have experienced grief that "you will have good days and bad days. " And that it "will hit you for no reason." I have been especially emotional the past 2 days, without any real reason. I guess that is what everyone has meant.
So I have no words of wisdom or eloquence, right now. Just a sad, broken heart, once again.
With that, I ask for continued prayer and uplifting for the whole Mike Watson, Jr family. It seems we are beginning yet another stage in life without him. Everyday is a new stage. That, to put it plain and simply....sucks. Forgive my term. I just don't know how else to say it and sometimes sugar-coating does not help.
Do know that the Lord remains our strength and redeemer. I have felt His presence and been so far away from it at the same time. I guess, at this moment, He seems rather far. I don't remember moving and I know He has not left. I just don't feel a lot right now, except sadness, numbness and sheer exhaustion.
My email is rmw4jc@yahoo.com.
Prayerfully,
Rhonda
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The "G" Theme
It seems to be that during our lives we each experience a prevailing theme, emotion or cirmcumstance. It can vary from time to time. As I look over the past few months I have experienced overwhelming Grief. In the midst of the Grief, I have experienced God's amazing Grace and Goodness. I don't know what other experience I would have to go through to have this Grace. It is a Gift from God. Now I am not saying I am happy about Mike being gone. I miss him terribly and want so much to see him and touch him. After all, it was just a few months ago that I last talked to him. Not much time in the big scheme of things. Yet eternity considering I have to wait till eternity to see him again.
I wonder if this is from whence the phrase "Good Grief" hailed. It seems like an oxymoron. I don't like Grief. It hurts. I dominates. It aches. But God's Grace is Greater and Good. We know about the valleys we have to go through to stand on the mountain of God. I think that is part of what my Grief has been about. That valley is low and long. But that mountain is high and mighty. God's Grace is a Gift of His Goodness through which His Glory is revealed.
As I read back over this writing, only one "negative G theme" is present. But multiple "positive G" themes" are present. God is Good. If you have any doubt, re-read my themes. Whatever your valley, God's Grace and Goodness will bring you out of it to stand with Him on that mountain of Glory.
Only God can make me sing praises while in a valley. Nothing else I have tried has such an effect. Thank you, God, for your Glorious Grace!
I wonder if this is from whence the phrase "Good Grief" hailed. It seems like an oxymoron. I don't like Grief. It hurts. I dominates. It aches. But God's Grace is Greater and Good. We know about the valleys we have to go through to stand on the mountain of God. I think that is part of what my Grief has been about. That valley is low and long. But that mountain is high and mighty. God's Grace is a Gift of His Goodness through which His Glory is revealed.
As I read back over this writing, only one "negative G theme" is present. But multiple "positive G" themes" are present. God is Good. If you have any doubt, re-read my themes. Whatever your valley, God's Grace and Goodness will bring you out of it to stand with Him on that mountain of Glory.
Only God can make me sing praises while in a valley. Nothing else I have tried has such an effect. Thank you, God, for your Glorious Grace!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Siblings
Back in February, my little friends, Marlea, 5, and Anna, 14 months, lost their sister, Kira, 3, to a sudden illness. Marlea, the big sister, has been lost without her playmate and Anna, has found herself in a new roll as "the second child." I was priviledged to watch these three girls play together, interact, develop rolls and responsibilities toward each other and to others. They were quite the trio, each seemingly incomplete without the other. Now that Kira is in heaven, the girls do feel incomplete. Are they now 2 sisters or still part of that trio? Do they play differently because Kira is not there or do they keep their ways? Will they act and develop differently toward the world because Kira is not there to learn from?
I know I learned so much from being a little sister with a big brother and it plays (present tense) a huge roll in who I am. While Mike and I no longer "played" together like we did when we were kids, we played off of each other in the rolls we learned growing up together. I hurt for my little friends as they seek to become new people without their sister.
I don't want a new roll in life without my brother. I don't want Marlea and Anna to be without Kira. I liked so much who we all were when we were complete.
Shortly after Mike died, I had a sudden, vivd image of him grabbing up Kira and holding her up high in the air, over his head. The pair were laughing with thier big grins, in total delight of one another. They never had the chance to meet here. They are playing together in heaven.
I don't like them not being here. I am glad they have each other up there.
I don't mind that new roll, so much. I get to share my big brother with that little girl. I hope, someday, the girls left behind, will find comfort in that thought.
I know I learned so much from being a little sister with a big brother and it plays (present tense) a huge roll in who I am. While Mike and I no longer "played" together like we did when we were kids, we played off of each other in the rolls we learned growing up together. I hurt for my little friends as they seek to become new people without their sister.
I don't want a new roll in life without my brother. I don't want Marlea and Anna to be without Kira. I liked so much who we all were when we were complete.
Shortly after Mike died, I had a sudden, vivd image of him grabbing up Kira and holding her up high in the air, over his head. The pair were laughing with thier big grins, in total delight of one another. They never had the chance to meet here. They are playing together in heaven.
I don't like them not being here. I am glad they have each other up there.
I don't mind that new roll, so much. I get to share my big brother with that little girl. I hope, someday, the girls left behind, will find comfort in that thought.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Reflections
So, after 2 months, I was finally able to view the picture video created to play during Mike's visitation in April. Needless to say, I shed a lot of tears. I have always had a difficult time with photos. Even throughout my wonderful travels, I have been unable and uncommitted to taking numerous pictures. I recently came to the conclusion that pictures do not do memories justice. There is just no way to re-create the real thing on a flat piece of paper.
One day, also recently, I saw my face in the mirror. A new face. A different face. One I have not been familiar with. One with the shadow of my brother. One that can't get passed the nose on the end of my own face long enough to see the blessings I have been missing. I have only seen lost, sad, and hurt.
Dad was born at Duke Hospital in 1945. He was given the name "Baby Ronald" by the staff, as he was put up for adoption. Later, when he was adopted, he was named Michael Ronald Watson.
My brother is Michael Ronald Watson, Jr. My name is Rhonda Michelle Watson Wright. Mike and I were both named for our Dad. As I have seen my reflection in the mirror, not for vanity mind you, I have seen the face of generations, memories and the real thing. I am part of my brother, my family. I am the past, present, and future. I want Mike to be in our present but all I have seen in the mirror is the lack of his presence in my life. My face is sad and downtrodden. I have missed the blessing of how much of a part of my life he really is. He is my brother...my brother! What a bond! He is a God-given gift! I have missed so much of that over the past 2 months simply by not sharing his memories. Don't misread me...these memories are painful because they are not remotely as good as the real thing. But they are what I have. I have part of him.
I see him in Mom, in Dad, in Hunter, and even Laura. They say the longer a couple is together the more alike they look. Maybe it's just that they look so much like the two have become one as God intended. I don't fully understand His plan because now Laura does not have Mike, nor do we. Can you tell I am confused, hurt, broken, searching?
Fortunately, each day brings new answers and reassurance, though one day is not always better than the one before.
It is so complicated yet so simple.
I hope as I look in the mirror, I see God's grace for each day and His blessing to remember and relish in my brother's memory and life. As I look in the mirror each day, I hope to see the pilgrimage, not the pain, though one does not seem possible without the other. I hope I see who I am becoming, not who I was. I want to see Mike. I want to see the face lift given by a spirit-filled life.
Lord, hear me. Help me. Bless all who take the time to read this and reflect on Mike and our family. Bless their own families' and needs. You know their hurts, their praise, their desires. Lord, use these words to help them reflect on you as they look in the mirror. Use Mike's life through us, as a ministry to those that need to hear these words from the real, broken-hearted, loving, questioning, hurt and frustrated Christians. Lord, even if they do not know you, speak to their hearts. This is my prayer. This is the godly reflection I want.
Love,
Rhonda
One day, also recently, I saw my face in the mirror. A new face. A different face. One I have not been familiar with. One with the shadow of my brother. One that can't get passed the nose on the end of my own face long enough to see the blessings I have been missing. I have only seen lost, sad, and hurt.
Dad was born at Duke Hospital in 1945. He was given the name "Baby Ronald" by the staff, as he was put up for adoption. Later, when he was adopted, he was named Michael Ronald Watson.
My brother is Michael Ronald Watson, Jr. My name is Rhonda Michelle Watson Wright. Mike and I were both named for our Dad. As I have seen my reflection in the mirror, not for vanity mind you, I have seen the face of generations, memories and the real thing. I am part of my brother, my family. I am the past, present, and future. I want Mike to be in our present but all I have seen in the mirror is the lack of his presence in my life. My face is sad and downtrodden. I have missed the blessing of how much of a part of my life he really is. He is my brother...my brother! What a bond! He is a God-given gift! I have missed so much of that over the past 2 months simply by not sharing his memories. Don't misread me...these memories are painful because they are not remotely as good as the real thing. But they are what I have. I have part of him.
I see him in Mom, in Dad, in Hunter, and even Laura. They say the longer a couple is together the more alike they look. Maybe it's just that they look so much like the two have become one as God intended. I don't fully understand His plan because now Laura does not have Mike, nor do we. Can you tell I am confused, hurt, broken, searching?
Fortunately, each day brings new answers and reassurance, though one day is not always better than the one before.
It is so complicated yet so simple.
I hope as I look in the mirror, I see God's grace for each day and His blessing to remember and relish in my brother's memory and life. As I look in the mirror each day, I hope to see the pilgrimage, not the pain, though one does not seem possible without the other. I hope I see who I am becoming, not who I was. I want to see Mike. I want to see the face lift given by a spirit-filled life.
Lord, hear me. Help me. Bless all who take the time to read this and reflect on Mike and our family. Bless their own families' and needs. You know their hurts, their praise, their desires. Lord, use these words to help them reflect on you as they look in the mirror. Use Mike's life through us, as a ministry to those that need to hear these words from the real, broken-hearted, loving, questioning, hurt and frustrated Christians. Lord, even if they do not know you, speak to their hearts. This is my prayer. This is the godly reflection I want.
Love,
Rhonda
Saturday, June 6, 2009
There is an episode of M*A*S*H where the psychiatrist, Sydney Freidman, is analyzing the character, Hawkeye. For those of you that know M*A*S*H, you will understand a little more. For those who don't, just bear with me. The psychiatrist says that "anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned sideways, is Hawkeye."
You may have noticed that I have not posted in a while. I finally realized why. June 3 we celebrated Hunter's 11th birthday at his house. Mike was not there. I was angry. There was a turtle that did not make it across the road. I was angry. Thers is another idiot being pain millions of dollars for pouty lips and so-called talent. I am angry. I have to go to work and hold in all my emotions to take care of people, just to have my days off ruined because that is when I have to deal with my emotions. That makes me angry. I am angry. That makes me angrier. Anger is not an easy emotion to express and not hurt someone or something or to come out smelling like a rose.
Mike dealt with a lot during his life. He was passionate about a lot more than most people know. A lot of things angered him. But he was rarely depressed or sad, even when dealing with ongoing illnesses. He was rebellious, rouge, and somewhat of a maverick at times. He turned his anger sideways. I, on the other hand, turn my anger inward. I have allowed no outlet.
If you will recall, a lot of the things Hawkeye did was rebellious against everything the Army tried to make him do. Most of the time his rebellion helped someone or at least taught him a valuable lesson. I am not suggesting that we or I go out and rebel against the world and all its brokenness. But I do think it is ok to go against the grain, sometimes, to keep from going crazy. I think that is also what Jesus obediently did :)
Mike liked to get sideways. He did not like to get angry. He was too busy enjoying life to do that.
I, on the other hand, am angry. I don't like to get sideways because then I think I am not in control. But as I write this, I realize I am not in control...the anger is. It is defining me right now. It is depressing me. Mike would tell me I need to get over myself. Hawkeye would pull a prank or expose some awful truth, even if it had a not-so-happy ending.
I like Hawkeye's character a lot. He is a lot like I would like to be, sometimes. But he is just a character. Mike, on the other hand, IS my brother and always will be. I don't want to be angry and depressed. I want to get a little bit sideways.
You may have noticed that I have not posted in a while. I finally realized why. June 3 we celebrated Hunter's 11th birthday at his house. Mike was not there. I was angry. There was a turtle that did not make it across the road. I was angry. Thers is another idiot being pain millions of dollars for pouty lips and so-called talent. I am angry. I have to go to work and hold in all my emotions to take care of people, just to have my days off ruined because that is when I have to deal with my emotions. That makes me angry. I am angry. That makes me angrier. Anger is not an easy emotion to express and not hurt someone or something or to come out smelling like a rose.
Mike dealt with a lot during his life. He was passionate about a lot more than most people know. A lot of things angered him. But he was rarely depressed or sad, even when dealing with ongoing illnesses. He was rebellious, rouge, and somewhat of a maverick at times. He turned his anger sideways. I, on the other hand, turn my anger inward. I have allowed no outlet.
If you will recall, a lot of the things Hawkeye did was rebellious against everything the Army tried to make him do. Most of the time his rebellion helped someone or at least taught him a valuable lesson. I am not suggesting that we or I go out and rebel against the world and all its brokenness. But I do think it is ok to go against the grain, sometimes, to keep from going crazy. I think that is also what Jesus obediently did :)
Mike liked to get sideways. He did not like to get angry. He was too busy enjoying life to do that.
I, on the other hand, am angry. I don't like to get sideways because then I think I am not in control. But as I write this, I realize I am not in control...the anger is. It is defining me right now. It is depressing me. Mike would tell me I need to get over myself. Hawkeye would pull a prank or expose some awful truth, even if it had a not-so-happy ending.
I like Hawkeye's character a lot. He is a lot like I would like to be, sometimes. But he is just a character. Mike, on the other hand, IS my brother and always will be. I don't want to be angry and depressed. I want to get a little bit sideways.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Roller Coaster that is Mike
As I read over the previous posts, I am not really sure who wrote them. Not because they are so profound and wonderful, but because they are so palpable and visceral.
I have realized that it will take many of us to be "Mike" to each other. I am part of Mike, Mom and Dad are part of Mike, Laura and Hunter are part of Mike and so on. Each one of us holds a very special seat on the roller coaster ride with him. Sometimes we have been up front with him with our hands in the air, and roars of laughter. Other times, we have been way in the back, eyes closed, with a white-knuckle grip on the hand rails holding on for dear life. Yet other times have been bumpy, jerky rides that left us bruised and worn. As I think about this it brings revelation to the fact that this is how we are supposed to be Christ's representative. Not one of us can be Christ but we are all a part of his roller coaster ride. He never promised us an easy ride but collectively we can be the body of Christ on this earth, be there for each other. So everyone reading this has a new assignment in life, you have to continue on the Mike roller coaster ride with us. You have had a seat at some point. Continue to join us whether you want to sit up front with your hands in the air or sit in the back with your eyes closed and screaming. No matter what, it's ok. And you know what else? God wants you on His ride. He needs each one of us some where in one of those seats and puts us where he needs us, provided we climb aboard. Here is your invitation.
Do you think I say these things because I have wisdom or a poetic heart? No. I have a broken heart and broken spirit. Words can hurt and words can heal. I want to heal. I painfully hurt. I hope and pray my words offer healing and that the Holy Spirit speaks to you through them.
Love,
Rhonda
I have realized that it will take many of us to be "Mike" to each other. I am part of Mike, Mom and Dad are part of Mike, Laura and Hunter are part of Mike and so on. Each one of us holds a very special seat on the roller coaster ride with him. Sometimes we have been up front with him with our hands in the air, and roars of laughter. Other times, we have been way in the back, eyes closed, with a white-knuckle grip on the hand rails holding on for dear life. Yet other times have been bumpy, jerky rides that left us bruised and worn. As I think about this it brings revelation to the fact that this is how we are supposed to be Christ's representative. Not one of us can be Christ but we are all a part of his roller coaster ride. He never promised us an easy ride but collectively we can be the body of Christ on this earth, be there for each other. So everyone reading this has a new assignment in life, you have to continue on the Mike roller coaster ride with us. You have had a seat at some point. Continue to join us whether you want to sit up front with your hands in the air or sit in the back with your eyes closed and screaming. No matter what, it's ok. And you know what else? God wants you on His ride. He needs each one of us some where in one of those seats and puts us where he needs us, provided we climb aboard. Here is your invitation.
Do you think I say these things because I have wisdom or a poetic heart? No. I have a broken heart and broken spirit. Words can hurt and words can heal. I want to heal. I painfully hurt. I hope and pray my words offer healing and that the Holy Spirit speaks to you through them.
Love,
Rhonda
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Random thoughts
Real- being or occurring in fact or actuality, having verifiable existence; true and actual, not imaginary, alleged, or ideal.
Reality- the quality or state of being actual or true.
Driving and crying.
Why is that the world does not allow us to be real? Why do we have to be ideal? My reality is the following; I have gained 5 lbs in a month. I do not sleep well. Food has no taste. My body hurts. I do not feel like smiling. I cry like a little girl. I love my family more than ever. My husband is a true gift from God. I am terrified of all of this interfering with my job. If I hold my feelings in then I am not real. I can't always express myself. There is a time and a place. But do people reallly want to hear or know? I don't know. I don't care if they do or not.
My car has become a refuge. It is a place to let my tears go and talk to God. I turn my radio up to drown out my thoughts and reset my brain. It is amazing at how many people are on the road. Is anyone experiencing the same thing? Is anyone else hurting? The brokeness of this world tells me yes. Yet we go on while one person is driving and crying.
I have been careful not to speak for the rest of my family. We are all dealing with this on our own individual terms, yet feeling the same loss. As Grandaddy put it, we are in the huddle. We all have different positions on this team. What are we going to do without Mike? We get our game plan and go out to face the world. I just don't know which side we are on, the winners or the losers. Is it possible to be on both at the same time? Either way, continue saying prayers and cheers for the hometeam. We feel it and need it.
Love to you all,
Rhonda
Reality- the quality or state of being actual or true.
Driving and crying.
Why is that the world does not allow us to be real? Why do we have to be ideal? My reality is the following; I have gained 5 lbs in a month. I do not sleep well. Food has no taste. My body hurts. I do not feel like smiling. I cry like a little girl. I love my family more than ever. My husband is a true gift from God. I am terrified of all of this interfering with my job. If I hold my feelings in then I am not real. I can't always express myself. There is a time and a place. But do people reallly want to hear or know? I don't know. I don't care if they do or not.
My car has become a refuge. It is a place to let my tears go and talk to God. I turn my radio up to drown out my thoughts and reset my brain. It is amazing at how many people are on the road. Is anyone experiencing the same thing? Is anyone else hurting? The brokeness of this world tells me yes. Yet we go on while one person is driving and crying.
I have been careful not to speak for the rest of my family. We are all dealing with this on our own individual terms, yet feeling the same loss. As Grandaddy put it, we are in the huddle. We all have different positions on this team. What are we going to do without Mike? We get our game plan and go out to face the world. I just don't know which side we are on, the winners or the losers. Is it possible to be on both at the same time? Either way, continue saying prayers and cheers for the hometeam. We feel it and need it.
Love to you all,
Rhonda
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