Lamentations

God, why have you taken Mike from us?
I miss Mike.
I want to see him.
I want to laugh with him.
I want to argue with him.
This ache has no balm.

I hate this broken heart.
I despise waking up everyday and reminding myself that Mike is dead.
I hate walking around with a smile on my face when I am crying and angry inside.
I hate meeting new people who have no idea, who never knew him, who don't care.
I hate my story.
This new life is a drudgery.

I want to smack Eve.
I want to beat Adam.
God, if you are coming back, why do you delay?
Fix this broken, sad, devastating life.
The world is too far gone to be enjoyed.
It must be endured.

I hate feeling this way.
I resent the daily struggle.
I don't like living by faith.
All I see is the world crumbling.
The good, the bad, the ugly all fall.
There is no discrimination.


I hate that he is not here.
I am jealous that I am not there.
I am mad at God's timing. I can neither speed things up nor press rewind.
If heaven's so great, why aren't we all just taken home?
The world is an apple fallen from the tree, lying on the ground, wet, in the sun, with a worm in it.

I cry out in pain.
I beg for comfort.
The joy in the morning is assaulted by fitful sleep and unhappy reality.
Mike is dead.
He is not here.
I have to wait.


My patience is thin.



Some days I have good thoughts and can be very encouraging to others. Other days, like today, I just have to lament. I figured since there is a book in the Bible that allowed lamenting, then I am allowed. He knows my heart and my hurt. Sometimes, I just have to wail. I can only do that on paper.
Thanks for enduring it.
Rhonda

Godspeed and Puzzles

It's weird to use the term "Godspeed." Putting God's time into human terms is impossible and even more impossible to understand. I guess it makes some sense, though, to say "Godspeed" to someone. It's like saying "go in God's time." So the term itself is like a prayer. His time is supposed to be perfect. Oi...if only I could see that or accept that.
I have been trying to piece together the puzzle of this life, only I feel a big piece of the puzzle is missing. Several pieces, really, as I think of other precious souls that are not here. You can't look forward without looking back for understanding. You can't learn lessons without reflecting on the education and application. You can't really put a puzzle together without the picture on the box to go by. But who gets to create the picture? I guess it was not me. It's God's picture and His puzzle is..."He who began a good work.." So what do I do with the picture in my mind's eye? Once again, walking by sight.
Mike went home in Godspeed. I can't help but think about where we would be if he was still with us. It is not a pleasant thought, given how bad off he was. So I am grateful God's timing kept him from the alternatives. But what about the rest of us? I don't know. Floundering.
We made it through the holidays. Everyone said it would be difficult. They were right. Mike would have been 40 this February 14. We have made it this far. I don't understand how to learn to live the next however long without him. Godspeed us through it. One moment, one minute, one hour, one day at time.

Whatever your trials and tribulations, Godspeed to you.
Love and prayers,
Rhonda