I'd like to thank each of you for keeping up with the blog. I have struggled with this decision but think it's time to stop. I started the posting to update about Mike and then relay what the family and/or me are going through. I don't really believe in moving on per se. I mean, I don't want to move on from Mike. I do believe in moving through, day to day. As I have moved through the past few days, I get the feeling it's time to stop the blog. I think Mike would prefer it that way. So thanks to each of you for your support and prayers. I will leave the site up for some time so if anyone happens to be searching for information about Mike, they can find out about him. Eventually, I will remove the site.
Thanks for your time.
Rhonda
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentine Baby
It used to make me mad that Mike was born on Valentine's Day. I mean, he was my big brother but not a sweetheart! I think you know I say that in jest. Mike WAS a sweetheart. And it was no mistake that he was born on a day designated for love.
Love your neighbor as yourself. That's what he was all about. No mistakes. No coincidences. No happenstance. Mike's life was well-planned, meant to begin on that day. He lived and loved to the fullest. He went home on Good Friday. He made his entrance into eternity on another day of love. No mistakes. No coincidences. No happenstance. Mike's life was well-planned.
Slowly, painfully, there is peace in his death, because his death resulted in eternal life. If you struggle with your beliefs (as we ALL do) and wonder if there really is a God, would you dare reduce Mike's life to happenstance, coincidence? Re-read above. No mistakes. If only our lives could be so poetic.
Thank you for Mike. I miss him terribly. And I can hardly wait to party with him!
Randy (one of Mike's nicknames for me)
"I pray that each one of you will embrace the love and joy that was Michael: Be accepting of others as well as yourself. Live life to the fullest, no matter your circumstances. Reach out to others, especially if they don't "deserve" it. Laugh loudly, and often. Look for the silver lining, it's always there. Be yourself, that is a gift to those around you. Enjoy the beauty of everyday things. Be someone's island. Hug people, they really want you to. Forgive each other. Love each other. Have faith in God." Laura Poindexter Watson.
Love your neighbor as yourself. That's what he was all about. No mistakes. No coincidences. No happenstance. Mike's life was well-planned, meant to begin on that day. He lived and loved to the fullest. He went home on Good Friday. He made his entrance into eternity on another day of love. No mistakes. No coincidences. No happenstance. Mike's life was well-planned.
Slowly, painfully, there is peace in his death, because his death resulted in eternal life. If you struggle with your beliefs (as we ALL do) and wonder if there really is a God, would you dare reduce Mike's life to happenstance, coincidence? Re-read above. No mistakes. If only our lives could be so poetic.
Thank you for Mike. I miss him terribly. And I can hardly wait to party with him!
Randy (one of Mike's nicknames for me)
"I pray that each one of you will embrace the love and joy that was Michael: Be accepting of others as well as yourself. Live life to the fullest, no matter your circumstances. Reach out to others, especially if they don't "deserve" it. Laugh loudly, and often. Look for the silver lining, it's always there. Be yourself, that is a gift to those around you. Enjoy the beauty of everyday things. Be someone's island. Hug people, they really want you to. Forgive each other. Love each other. Have faith in God." Laura Poindexter Watson.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Run with what you brung
On Saturday, February 6, I completed a 20 mile trail run. I would love to say that I won the race or made incredible time. Instead, I brought and extra 15lbs of body weight, about 15 weeks too little training, poor sleep and mediocre attitude. Needless to say, I had a lot of time to think and reflect during the run. I was determined to just do it. A lot of things happened during my time. About 6 miles into the race the 8-mile runners starting catching up with me (they started and hour after). I was a little envious but, really, more impressed. These guys and gals were fast. About 9 miles into the run, I began having a lot of knee pain. I had been struggling with the uphill climbs, and now, the downhills and flats offered little reprieve. My muscles were too weak to recover quickly enough and keep me smooth on the downhills, and my joints had taken so much pounding, the flats hurt, too. But I smiled at my lack of preparation and kept going. About 12 miles into it, I started meeting the 40-mile runners (they started and hour before). Almost everyone of them I met said "good job" or "looking good, keep it up." These guys were encouraging ME. They were running 40 miles and encouraging ME. That was a great feeling. Even greater was when I opened my mouth and said "good job" to those that I met or passed me. I was even more encouraged by offering encouragement.
Early into the run, I realized I had invited God along. He was with me the whole time. Then I got to wondering if others had invited Him along. I wondered what they were running for or how well they were running or with "what" were they running. Did they have baggage? Good preparation? Bad preparation?
I wondered about Mike's run. He had 39 years. Unlike my run, he did not know the time or distance, but he certainly seemed to prepare. He knew he was a finite something, a terminal being. He seemed to know who he was, where he was, what he was, and what he had. He seemed to know he had limited time for his run and that he was going to enjoy as much of it as he could. Better still, he knew the end result...the end is a new beginning.
My last post was about my laments. I won't lie. I was not really sure how to get away from that. I even debated on being done with my posts. I was not sure how to move past the pain, the hurt, the loss. But during my run, I was being taught a great deal about life. My run hurt, though, at times, it was exhilirating despite the pain. Total strangers encouraged me. I encouraged total strangers. None of us knew each others' stories, but we knew each other had their own race to run. Some were much better than others. In fact, down right awesome. Some were awkward and struggled. All were determined. The uphills were struggles, the downhills weren't always better. The flats offered recovery, with caution. I moved through the pain and the hurt of the run. I moved passed the loss of delusions of grandeur for a great run. I finished. All of my extra weight, undertrained, grief-stricken, sleep-deprived self.
My little friend, Kira, would have been 4 on February 6. She seemed to know a little more about her own run, too. She lived quite a life in her short time.
The pain is not gone. I am learning how to move through it. Sometimes I walk, sometimes I jog, sometimes, I run, sometimes I limp. But I will keep moving.
We must run the race that is set before us. Run with what you brung.
Early into the run, I realized I had invited God along. He was with me the whole time. Then I got to wondering if others had invited Him along. I wondered what they were running for or how well they were running or with "what" were they running. Did they have baggage? Good preparation? Bad preparation?
I wondered about Mike's run. He had 39 years. Unlike my run, he did not know the time or distance, but he certainly seemed to prepare. He knew he was a finite something, a terminal being. He seemed to know who he was, where he was, what he was, and what he had. He seemed to know he had limited time for his run and that he was going to enjoy as much of it as he could. Better still, he knew the end result...the end is a new beginning.
My last post was about my laments. I won't lie. I was not really sure how to get away from that. I even debated on being done with my posts. I was not sure how to move past the pain, the hurt, the loss. But during my run, I was being taught a great deal about life. My run hurt, though, at times, it was exhilirating despite the pain. Total strangers encouraged me. I encouraged total strangers. None of us knew each others' stories, but we knew each other had their own race to run. Some were much better than others. In fact, down right awesome. Some were awkward and struggled. All were determined. The uphills were struggles, the downhills weren't always better. The flats offered recovery, with caution. I moved through the pain and the hurt of the run. I moved passed the loss of delusions of grandeur for a great run. I finished. All of my extra weight, undertrained, grief-stricken, sleep-deprived self.
My little friend, Kira, would have been 4 on February 6. She seemed to know a little more about her own run, too. She lived quite a life in her short time.
The pain is not gone. I am learning how to move through it. Sometimes I walk, sometimes I jog, sometimes, I run, sometimes I limp. But I will keep moving.
We must run the race that is set before us. Run with what you brung.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Lamentations
God, why have you taken Mike from us?
I miss Mike.
I want to see him.
I want to laugh with him.
I want to argue with him.
This ache has no balm.
I hate this broken heart.
I despise waking up everyday and reminding myself that Mike is dead.
I hate walking around with a smile on my face when I am crying and angry inside.
I hate meeting new people who have no idea, who never knew him, who don't care.
I hate my story.
This new life is a drudgery.
I want to smack Eve.
I want to beat Adam.
God, if you are coming back, why do you delay?
Fix this broken, sad, devastating life.
The world is too far gone to be enjoyed.
It must be endured.
I hate feeling this way.
I resent the daily struggle.
I don't like living by faith.
All I see is the world crumbling.
The good, the bad, the ugly all fall.
There is no discrimination.
I hate that he is not here.
I am jealous that I am not there.
I am mad at God's timing. I can neither speed things up nor press rewind.
If heaven's so great, why aren't we all just taken home?
The world is an apple fallen from the tree, lying on the ground, wet, in the sun, with a worm in it.
I cry out in pain.
I beg for comfort.
The joy in the morning is assaulted by fitful sleep and unhappy reality.
Mike is dead.
He is not here.
I have to wait.
My patience is thin.
Some days I have good thoughts and can be very encouraging to others. Other days, like today, I just have to lament. I figured since there is a book in the Bible that allowed lamenting, then I am allowed. He knows my heart and my hurt. Sometimes, I just have to wail. I can only do that on paper.
Thanks for enduring it.
Rhonda
I miss Mike.
I want to see him.
I want to laugh with him.
I want to argue with him.
This ache has no balm.
I hate this broken heart.
I despise waking up everyday and reminding myself that Mike is dead.
I hate walking around with a smile on my face when I am crying and angry inside.
I hate meeting new people who have no idea, who never knew him, who don't care.
I hate my story.
This new life is a drudgery.
I want to smack Eve.
I want to beat Adam.
God, if you are coming back, why do you delay?
Fix this broken, sad, devastating life.
The world is too far gone to be enjoyed.
It must be endured.
I hate feeling this way.
I resent the daily struggle.
I don't like living by faith.
All I see is the world crumbling.
The good, the bad, the ugly all fall.
There is no discrimination.
I hate that he is not here.
I am jealous that I am not there.
I am mad at God's timing. I can neither speed things up nor press rewind.
If heaven's so great, why aren't we all just taken home?
The world is an apple fallen from the tree, lying on the ground, wet, in the sun, with a worm in it.
I cry out in pain.
I beg for comfort.
The joy in the morning is assaulted by fitful sleep and unhappy reality.
Mike is dead.
He is not here.
I have to wait.
My patience is thin.
Some days I have good thoughts and can be very encouraging to others. Other days, like today, I just have to lament. I figured since there is a book in the Bible that allowed lamenting, then I am allowed. He knows my heart and my hurt. Sometimes, I just have to wail. I can only do that on paper.
Thanks for enduring it.
Rhonda
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Godspeed and Puzzles
It's weird to use the term "Godspeed." Putting God's time into human terms is impossible and even more impossible to understand. I guess it makes some sense, though, to say "Godspeed" to someone. It's like saying "go in God's time." So the term itself is like a prayer. His time is supposed to be perfect. Oi...if only I could see that or accept that.
I have been trying to piece together the puzzle of this life, only I feel a big piece of the puzzle is missing. Several pieces, really, as I think of other precious souls that are not here. You can't look forward without looking back for understanding. You can't learn lessons without reflecting on the education and application. You can't really put a puzzle together without the picture on the box to go by. But who gets to create the picture? I guess it was not me. It's God's picture and His puzzle is..."He who began a good work.." So what do I do with the picture in my mind's eye? Once again, walking by sight.
Mike went home in Godspeed. I can't help but think about where we would be if he was still with us. It is not a pleasant thought, given how bad off he was. So I am grateful God's timing kept him from the alternatives. But what about the rest of us? I don't know. Floundering.
We made it through the holidays. Everyone said it would be difficult. They were right. Mike would have been 40 this February 14. We have made it this far. I don't understand how to learn to live the next however long without him. Godspeed us through it. One moment, one minute, one hour, one day at time.
Whatever your trials and tribulations, Godspeed to you.
Love and prayers,
Rhonda
I have been trying to piece together the puzzle of this life, only I feel a big piece of the puzzle is missing. Several pieces, really, as I think of other precious souls that are not here. You can't look forward without looking back for understanding. You can't learn lessons without reflecting on the education and application. You can't really put a puzzle together without the picture on the box to go by. But who gets to create the picture? I guess it was not me. It's God's picture and His puzzle is..."He who began a good work.." So what do I do with the picture in my mind's eye? Once again, walking by sight.
Mike went home in Godspeed. I can't help but think about where we would be if he was still with us. It is not a pleasant thought, given how bad off he was. So I am grateful God's timing kept him from the alternatives. But what about the rest of us? I don't know. Floundering.
We made it through the holidays. Everyone said it would be difficult. They were right. Mike would have been 40 this February 14. We have made it this far. I don't understand how to learn to live the next however long without him. Godspeed us through it. One moment, one minute, one hour, one day at time.
Whatever your trials and tribulations, Godspeed to you.
Love and prayers,
Rhonda
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